A Poolside Christmas Carol...

Merry Christmas to all our swimmers, coaches and guardians!

A seasonal story by Maurice McCrohan.

It was Christmas week and I was feeling ratty.The shopping centres were packed. There was stress and car park rage and not just at Westwood! In my local shopping centre the same tunes were piped in to all shops.The charity sellers were singing  “Xmas is coming and the geese are getting fat” . GETTING FAT! I snapped. The only ones getting fat are Slade and Wizard on the royalities from their seasonal songs! Bah Humbug!!

That night my sleep was disturbed. There was the sound of rattling chains and a ghostly figure entered the room. You must mend your ways.You will be visited by ghosts over the next three nights who will get you to change!! woooh!! The next night a ghostly figure entered the room and said come with me on a journey to your past. We are at the ALSAA pool canteen. I recognise the swim parents but we all look younger,less gray with more hair. Our children are in the pool.They too are younger, its the trials for the swim club. No more coming here at 10.30am on a Saturday morning  fighting for slots in the car park and eating too many bacon sambos!

Whats this bank duty thing  I ask one parent? I think that’s a rota where parents collect fees and have to lodge them in the airport bank. Oh I see! what are galas like? They are like a day out at the fair. The kids swim and the parents go off and have coffee. Its great fun!! On the second night, I hear the beep beep beep of my alarm.Its 4.20am ,time for Sinead to get up for the next early session! A ghostly figure enters the room.”I am the ghost of Christmas present and this is what your days are going to be like!! Five minutes later I am asleep and its beep beep beep. The alarm goes again and the cycle repeats again and again. Its groundhog day.

The ghost then takes me to a swimming pool.”Sorry excuse me, can I get past?” Its gala day at a club pool. A coffee is spilled over me. I go outside its cold, then come back in and its hot! Its like the Katy Perry song. Then me, the ghost and Sinead are in the car. We arrive at Westwood.”What are we doing here?” shouts Sinead  ”we should be at the NAC!” On the third night its Christmas eve, an immaculately white suited ghost arrives. “I am the ghost of your swimming future, come with me!”. I am the one now dressed in cleanly pressed whites! Maybe I am opening the batting at Lords? I then hear a public announcement “Lanes 1 and 2 are sprint lanes, can coaches get your scratch sheets in by 9 o’ clock”

I am at the NAC on a big gala day.As I walk around I attract attention and then the questions start? What time is the first race?,do I have to check in?.Where are the toilets? Can you do something about the heat?I don’t like Rihanna blaring out when my swimmers are warming up! I realise I am a swim official! Then somebody comes up to me gives me a sheet of paper. “Quick,you’re late for the meeting the turn judges are waiting!”. I enter a room of quizzical looking volunteers,read the crib sheet and freeze! Oh no,I have to give the turn judge technical talk!I don’t have  a clue!!. An embarrassed silence punctuated by nervous coughs ensues! Ok,I better start! ”Welcome everyone, for health and safety reasons please note your nearest exit – one forward one back!”

“Lets go through the strokes. For freestyle,the bewleys coffees and bagels are excellent!” Puzzled looks descend!”I’m joking, you are not needed on freestyle unless you are on for a distance race where you do  a lap count and blow a big whistle near the end!”. Breastroke: look for the heads bobbing up and down a bit in the water and make sure two hands touch the end wall! Backstroke: windmill style actions are allowed.! The swimmer can turn over when they reach the wall and check up at the clock! Butterfly: when they reach the end wall,the swimmers must not cross their legs!!

Everyone got that! any questions?No?,good!,silence and they leave. I turn to the ghost who has reappeared,I think I got away with that! The day goes fine until the last race,the medley relay. Aer Lingus SC Senior girls smash the Irish record and cheers ring out.Until there is a objection on a stroke.The referee turns to the line official,theres a conflab and they all bear down on me! Well,was the stroke right or wrong!I am enveloped in a scrum of white suits and and ……

I wake up its 4.30am on the clock. There is no beep,beep beep.But I thought I heard the sound of  a sleigh on the roof and a ho ho ho its Christmas Day! Its now Christmas day lunchtime and we’ve opened our presents. The smell of the turkey cooking in the oven wafts around the kitchen. A glass of freshly poured mulled wine is on the counter and on RTE1 Augustus Gloop is about to fall into Willy Wonkas chocolate river!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tis Christmas,have a great one!